So recently I was given very little input on purchasing a present. Instead I was given the option of get me whatever you want. Being out of ideas from buying this person presents since I've been able to do so I got her a gift card. Needless to say the person was underwhelmed and didn't like it because it was "thoughtless". Given the person knows that I have no car at the moment and little money due to the fact that i need to get it fixed I thought it would have went over better. I was wrong. And now I feel like I've failed as a son because one year I couldn't get my near genius IQ to pump out a Christmas present idea.
This is basically another intro/retrospective, quasi-emo, LJ stereotypic post. Mainly having to do with... Duh my social persception of myself and importants to others. I never really realized my importants to my family or how they view me as a person. I've been or precieved myself rather as the support or dismissable character to my friends. And I'm begining to realize that it really shouldn't matter how I'm precieved by certain people. Just those that matter most. I believe, or at least am attempting to believe that I just have to focus on myself. To some people I will always be a stereotype. To some non-existant, immature, wreckless whatever. I've learned though that with my family, I'm viewed as intellegent, smart, strong and things that I generally don't feel in my everyday life. Mainly due in part to the people I associate with.
I found out that my sister holds me to the point of such reliabilty that I am her soul benifactor and would gain custody of my nephew should anything happen. Even my mom holds me to a greater degree then she would ever admit. In short, I need to stop looking for the inner fire I need to be a bolder person from or with certain friends. If you can't see it... FUCK YOU.
I just come to realize after reading through my journal entries from the last couple years. I'm fucking retarded, plain and simple. Cut and dry, no bones about it. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm digging myself into the same hole... Again. I mean why fuck up whats worked thus far. I mean a few years back I was an angry confused little boy, looking for someone to help him sort things out. Like an on call psychiatrist, I dont need that. Nor want it, I think my brain has the idea of relationships wrong. I for all intents and purposes a dependent-independent. I need someone to justify my existance at times, however; I hate people. Don't miss read that if your my friend I don't hate you. I hate a certain type of person. Which if you are willing to look back over this you'll see what I'm talking about.
I've been trying to change things around and/or about when in actuallity. The person I am now is as good as it gets for me. I'm about 80% functional, rational, decent human being. I try my best, I do my job and I help out friends if and when I can. Yet for some reason I'm reaching for Sainthood. Which for me is pretty close to impossible, because I'm afraid of my basser instincts. At my core like anything or anyone else I want more then what I'm given. I want to get it by any means nescissary. I do mean Any. Short of raping, killing, robbing, or materializing it.
But like 99% of the population I keep those thoughts at bay.
Well today was a day. Much like any other except now I'm 21 now. So I can drink in public... A lot. I woke up today and looked around and the idea of adulthood or age descripancy hadn't hit me. In fact it still hasn't. For stop for the day was the DMV, where I got my ID changed over to be horizontal. Giving me access to A.T.F, whic I think is awesome. Afterward I ventured to the store to pick up my gifts to which I got a jump drive, Resident Evil and Final Fantasy III. Following this UNo and I went to Hoosier Lane and played a rousing game of ITG2 in which I got two 99+%. Today was a great day more later.
I didn't realize it until now but this song speaks volumes to me. About my life and the choices I've made. Why is it I feel I need to measuer myself against my friends? Why did I ever try drugs, alcohol, lose my virginity the way I did? Or at all, my life up until the last year has been lived to meet or exceed my friends or acquaintances expectations of me. And it's not really there fault, we all seem to live through the quote "The Grass is always Greener". We as individuals should learn that we all in all are "Ordinary People". We don't have to rush or live to meet the needs of others. I've wasted the better portion of my near 21 year life trying to show a facade that's not really me. I don't like to drink, I don't like pot, if I could go back and not have sex I'd still be a virgin. I've done a lot things just to say I did them and now that I think about it I didn't really enjoy it. From now on it's just going to be slow and steady. I will be semi abstinent, I'm not going to drink anymore and I will do my best to be an exemplary human being. I want to live my life the way Ordinary People should. One step at a time.
I've been playing bass like crazy. I've learned Can't Stop Like a Stone Killing in the Name of Bulls on Parade All Around the World Purple Stain Porcelain Exploder Snow(Hey Yo) Charlie
And similar stuff, even though I've been working like mad too.
Dec. 7th, 2006 @ 12:14 am
I starte a new job... HOORAY. Problem is I still have the old one and for the last few shifts I've worked 12 hour days. I hope the money's worth it in the long run.
So things have been cool lately. I got a new job, well as long as I pass my drug test which I damn well better. It's seems like a nice place to work with a decent pay increase of $1.10 more than I make now. And working 30 hours a week I should make more then enough money from here on out to go back to school and get my own place.
Lately has just been blah for me very BLAH. Let's summarize everything that's happened to me in the last few months.
#1.) I got a 360 yay.... To bad the games are too expensive they're about $64.50 couting tax. And the ones a I did buy I beat in a few settings or they don't appeal to me unless I'm playing online.
#2.)I lost internet access.... HOORAY!!!.
#3.)Everytime I come within a microcosm of getting a date I either get cockblocked by someone near by or I can't think of anything to say thus mentally and accidentally cockblocking myself.... GHEY.
#4.) I keep having these dreams... With three recurring women in them, that I'll admitt for some reason or another I am still hopelessly in love with eventhough it's been proven either; A.) They'll fuck me over or B.) We just aren't right for each other: And as it seems it's like my brain keeps forcing me into these wierd scenarios which makes me think that we may have a chance. Regardless of whether or not these dreams are true I'm not goint to do something to make myself look stupid. Even if it means being lonely until my balls grow back and to talk to the women mentioned in #3.
#5.)I think those dreams are telling me I'm lonely. I think I am lonely.
#6.) I need a new car
And finally I want to leave this place but I have no money.
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jammasterjei's journal
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